Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer
If
By Lord Dunsany
[Dunsany, Edward John Moreton Drax Plunkett, Baron]
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
JOHN BEAL MARY BEAL LIZA ALI BERT, BILL: two railway porters THE MAN IN THE CORNER MIRALDA CLEMENT HAFIZ EL ALCOLAHN DAOUD ARCHIE BEAL BAZZALOL, THOOTHOOBABA: two Nubian door-keepers BEN HUSSEIN, Lord of the Pass ZABNOOL, SHABEESH: two conjurers OMAR, a singer ZAGBOOLA, mother of Hafiz THE SHEIK OF THE BISHAREENS
Notables, soldiers, Bishareens, dancers, etc.
IF
ACT I
SCENE 1
A small railway station near London. Time: Ten years ago.
BERT
'Ow goes it, Bill?
BILL
Goes it? 'Ow d'yer think it goes?
BERT
I don't know, Bill. 'Ow is it?
BILL
Bloody.
BERT
Why? What's wrong?
BILL
Wrong? Nothing ain't wrong.
BERT
What's up then?
BILL
Nothing ain't right.
BERT
Why, wot's the worry?
BILL
Wot's the worry? They don't give you better wages nor a dog, and then they thinks they can talk at yer and talk at yer, and say wot they likes, like.
BERT
Why? You been on the carpet, Bill?
BILL
Ain't I! Proper.
BERT
Why, wot about, Bill?
BILL
Wot about? I'll tell yer. Just coz I let a lidy get into a train. That's wot about. Said I ought to 'av stopped 'er. Thought the train was moving. Thought it was dangerous. Thought I tried to murder 'er, I suppose.
BERT
Wot? The other day?
BILL
Yes.
BERT
Tuesday?
BILL
Yes.
BERT
Why. The one that dropped her bag?
BILL
Yes. Drops 'er bag. Writes to the company. They writes back she shouldn't 'av got in. She writes back she should. Then they gets on to me. Any more of it and I'll...
Table of contents (by pages)
- 1: If: a play in four acts by Dunsany
- 2: Don't you think we ought to plant an acacia
- 3: We'll plant an acacia if you like
- 4: And as I know you believe in Liza
- 5: MARYI hope he won't say it in some queer Eastern way
- 6: But I was not bidden to sell it
- 7: ALIHe that taketh this crystal
- 8: ALIIs there no step that you would wish untrodden
- 9: JOHNI never really meant to take it
- 10: MARYI don't suppose there's many men can say that
- 11: MARYWhat were you going to catch the train for
- 12: JOHNThere wasn't an accident to the eight fifteen
- 13: MARYAre you sure that Cater didn't give him ten shillings
- 14: BILL touching his hat Good morning
- 15: MIRALDA CLEMENTWould you mind having the window open
- 16: MIRALDAI wonder if you could advise me
- 17: MIRALDAIt does seem a shame his not paying
- 18: JOHNI'd go and find that Hussein fellow
- 19: DAOUD returning I have three gods
- 20: JOHN BEALThe priests tell them
- 21: Old Hinnard must have been a wonderfully shrewd man
- 22: DAOUDHe was to have been drunk by Aho oomlah
- 23: JOHN BEALBut we must do business
- 24: ARCHIE BEALAnd you're going to teach him to keep accounts
- 25: ARCHIE BEALWhy not one like her
- 26: HUSSEINIf he be buried in the sea
- 27: JOHN BEALYou haven't been getting in love
- 28: ARCHIE BEALWhat were her words
- 29: JOHN BEALBut but you don't mean you'd hurt Hussein
- 30: A girl like that alone in Al Shaldomir
- 31: Enter HAFIZ EL ALCOLAHN in doorway of tent
- 32: I'm afraid it's rather horrible
- 33: MIRALDAWhy do you say poor fellow
- 34: JOHN BEALBut what if he doesn't
- 35: ARCHIE BEALWhat are we to do now
- 36: JOHN BEALBut we can't kill Hussein
- 37: BAZZALOL and THOOTHOOBABA smile ingratiatingly
- 38: OMAR declaiming to a zither Al Shaldomir
- 39: MIRALDAYou are all powerful here
- 40: MIRALDAIs it a petty whim to wish to be a queen
- 41: HAFIZ to THOOTHOOBABA And you
- 42: You have brought Daoud with you
- 43: Hafiz had laid his plans for years
- 44: DAOUDThey soon recovered their losses
- 45: DAOUDTo a room that you know not of
- 46: MIRALDAYou often talk with Daoud
- 47: JOHNHe said there was a king in Babylon who
- 48: MIRALDAAnd ask Hafiz el Alcolahn
- 49: SHEIK to FIRST BISHAREEN Watch
- 50: OFFICER AT ARMSSoldiers of Al Shaldomir
- 51: A NOTABLEHe does not smile this evening
- 52: Which ZABNOOL gathers and hands to SHABEESH
- 53: MIRALDAWhy do you not wish to speak
- 54: Enter the SHEIK OF THE BISHAREENS
- 55: The nightingale sings another bar
- 56: LIZA coming forward again Suffered
- 57: LIZAI don't know what she'll say
- 58: JOHNI have not met such kindness for three years
- 59: Luck changed very soon altogether
- 60: JOHNI I thought I'd caught that train