Produced by Al Haines
KID SCANLAN
BY
H. C. WITWER
AUTHOR OF
THE LEATHER PUSHERS, FIGHTING BLOOD, ETC.
GROSSET & DUNLAP
PUBLISHERS
NEW YORK
Copyright, 1920,
BY SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY
(INCORPORATED)
DEDICATED TO
ALLAN HENRY WITWER
MY SIX-YEAR-OLD DESCENDANT WHO WEEPS BITTERLY WHEN I READ MY YARNS ALOUD TO HIS PATIENT MOTHER
H. C. W.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER
I. LAY OFF MACDUFF II. EAST LYNCH III. PLEASURE ISLAND IV. LEND ME YOUR EARS V. "EXIT, LAUGHING" VI. THE UNHAPPY MEDIUM VII. LIFE IS REEL! VIII. HOSPITAL STUFF
KID SCANLAN
CHAPTER I
LAY OFF, MACDUFF!
Brains is great things to have, and many's the time I've wished I had a set of 'em in _my_ head instead of just plain bone! Still they's a lot of guys which has gone through life like a yegg goes through a safe, and taken everything out of it that wasn't nailed, with nothin' in their head but hair!
A college professor gets five thousand a year, a good lightweight will grab that much a fight. A school teacher drags down fifteen a week, and the guy that looks after the boilers in the school buildin' gets thirty!
Sweet cookie!
So don't get discouraged if the pride of the family gets throwed out of school because he thinks twice two is eighteen and geography is played with nets. The chances is very bright that young Stupid will be holdin' the steerin' wheel of his own Easy Eight when the other guys, which won all the trick medals for ground and lofty learnin', will be wonderin' why a good bookkeeper never gets more than twenty-five a week. And then, if he feels he's _got_ to have brains around him, now that he's grabbed the other half of the team--money--he can go downtown and buy all the brains he wants for eighteen dollars a week!
So if you're as shy on brains as a bald-headed man is of dandruff, and what's more, you _know_ it, cheer up! Because you can bet the gas-bill money that you got somethin' just as good. Some trick concealed about you that'll keep you out of the bread line. The thing to do is to take an inventory of yourself and find it!
Table of contents (by pages)
- 1: Kid Scanlan by H. C. Witwer
- 2: This guy was a ex champion then
- 3: I wish to engage the services of Kid Scanlan
- 4: He don't look like no pugeylist to me
- 5: Outside of the guys with the kodaks
- 6: Shakespeare he see these feller play Reechard
- 7: You must But fiftha reel aaah
- 8: Van Aylstyne and the Kid left their marks at the same time
- 9: That next week is Never mind Genaro
- 10: But the guy that was runnin' the thing
- 11: That feller want to play Reechard
- 12: De Vronde and temporarily disabled several of my best people
- 13: De Vronde turns pale and Miss Vincent giggles
- 14: It ain't the cocktails that give you the headache
- 15: He snarls suddenly at De Vronde
- 16: Takin' another look at De Vronde
- 17: I know just what you're gonna say
- 18: Markowitz is countin' the money with lovin' fingers
- 19: Markowitz busted the hundred yard record to the front door
- 20: Don't be so yellah you got everybody lookin' at you
- 21: The Kid hops out and walks around to the crank
- 22: What does this carburetor thing look like
- 23: Then Meester Potts he'sa rush over and stoppa the cameras
- 24: Stoppa the car before something she'sa happen
- 25: Just as he sails under De Vronde
- 26: CHAPTER IIIPLEASURE ISLANDSpeakin' of boobs
- 27: Your name had to be Fortescue Smith or Van Whosthis
- 28: 'How Kid Scanlan Won the Title
- 29: The simp that was sittin' down looks back at him
- 30: And decides to become welterweight champ
- 31: When Van Aylstyne gets finished
- 32: What's a use hava the fighta now
- 33: After that it was suicide to give Scanlan a nasty look
- 34: But she was kinda thin and worn out to the naked eye
- 35: I thought she was gonna spring
- 36: Thisa picture she'sa maka me famous
- 37: Then Miss Vincent suddenly turns
- 38: Genaro runs up and grabs the Kid's hand
- 39: I'll explain what a four flusher is
- 40: In engaging in a brawl with a thug
- 41: And Scanlan hit him to see would he bounce
- 42: You would have been a great deal Joosta wan minoote
- 43: My dear sir splutters Harold
- 44: Kid Scanlan would look like Richard Mansfield
- 45: He tried to show Van Aylstyne how to write scenarios
- 46: Take heem away before I keel heem
- 47: Van Aylstyne could change the title to The End of My Job
- 48: And Gladys holds out a tremblin' hand
- 49: Harold shakes his head and blows himself to another sigh
- 50: Harold has smoked the other cigarette
- 51: I got the whole thing doped out
- 52: She gazes at the ground and gets kinda red
- 53: Of course Gladys got Joe that job
- 54: I didn't feel up to seein' that guy goin' away with Gladys
- 55: I'm extry strong for the loud and common guffaw
- 56: Old chap are you Mister Genaro
- 57: I see right away he's a Eyetalian
- 58: And gazin' over at Bomb Germo
- 59: He'sa getta mad at the dresser
- 60: She's in the picture with Van Ness
- 61: He'sa granda man when he'sa wanna laugha
- 62: He'sa teacha everybody joosta lika wan college
- 63: And whosa taka my eleven incha stiletto
- 64: I talka to heem sweeta and he'sa knocka me down wit' a hook
- 65: What's the matter have you got lockjaw
- 66: The boys called me Foolish Foolish Fink
- 67: Herbert was inclined to be a simp
- 68: Tony he'sa laugha at everybody
- 69: Helen Dear is there with Van Ness
- 70: Screams Van Ness from under the table
- 71: Y'know that runt hated himself
- 72: You must be a fine pair of hicks
- 73: 'Amazin' and awesome accuracy'
- 74: I certainly wish I could talk like that little runt
- 75: The sad lookin' boob was Professor Pietro Parducci
- 76: The world renowed Professor Parducci
- 77: You'd never know it was the same guy
- 78: Whispers Honest Dan to the Kid
- 79: The stout dame says not lately
- 80: The professor says he has finally dug up Marc Anthony
- 81: He snickers at me when I get through
- 82: They knowed Cleopatra would do the rest
- 83: Show their right hand and claim they was Marc Anthony
- 84: These guys is cheap crooks and they ain't no Marc Anthony
- 85: Dear father founded that bakery
- 86: If Cutey forgot his mustache curler
- 87: Where can I find Mister De Vronde
- 88: That's prob'ly Cutey De Vronde's new guardeen
- 89: De Vronde hops out and walks over to us
- 90: Intelligent girl would stand for the typical movie hero
- 91: I'm gonna make a sportin' proposition to Miss Dorothy Devine
- 92: Why Miss Devine gasps and looks more than ever like a rose
- 93: They all blow out except Miss Devine
- 94: Before Miss Devine can say anything
- 95: I don't know how it hit Miss Devine
- 96: He'sa killa himself for maka picture for Genaro
- 97: Scanlan is still on the bed groanin'
- 98: Scanlan starts to go after him
- 99: The Kid won't be admitted to the sanitarium
- 100: Mister eh ah pipes the doc
- 101: You didn't gimme the book test
- 102: That last crack of his gimme an idea
- 103: Black haired guy out in the exercise yard
- 104: The doctors told Scanlan to talk operation to him
- 105: That's a bad way to handle Scanlan
- 106: He didn't seem to notice Scanlan
- 107: Ask for Grosset and Dunlap's list