OBSERVATIONS OF AN ORDERLY

Some Glimpses of Life and Work in an English War Hospital

by

L.-CPL. WARD MUIR, R.A.M.C. (T.)

Simpkin, Marshall, Hamilton, Kent & Co., Ltd., 4 Stationers' Hall Court : : : London, E.C.4 Copyright First published July 1917

Novels by the Author of "Observations of an Orderly"

THE AMAZING MUTES WHEN WE ARE RICH CUPID'S CATERERS

Also Editor of

"HAPPY--THOUGH WOUNDED" The Book of the Third London General Hospital

TO

LT.-COL. H.E. BRUCE PORTER, C.M.G.

OFFICER IN COMMAND OF THE

3RD LONDON

GENERAL HOSPITAL

Some passages from _Observations of an Orderly_ have appeared, generally in a shorter form, in _The Spectator_, _The New Statesman_, _The Hospital_, _The Evening Standard_, _The National News_, _The Dundee Advertiser_, _The Daily News_, and _The Daily Mail_. The author desires to make the usual acknowledgments to their editors.

The coloured design on the paper wrapper is by Sergeant Noel Irving, R.A.M.C. (T.), a member of the unit at the 3rd London General Hospital.

CONTENTS

I PAGE MY FIRST DAY 19

II LIFE IN THE ORDERLIES' HUTS 33

III WASHING-UP 51

IV A "HUT" HOSPITAL 65

V FROM THE "D BLOCK" WARDS 79

VI WHEN THE WOUNDED ARRIVE 93

VII "T.... A...." 107

VIII LAUNDRY PROBLEMS 121

IX ON BUTTONS 137

X A WORD ABOUT "SLACKERS IN KHAKI" 147

XI THE RECREATION ROOMS 159

XII THE COCKNEY 173

XIII THE STATION PARTY 201

XIV SLANG IN A WAR HOSPITAL 219

XV A BLIND MAN'S HOME-COMING 235

I

MY FIRST DAY

The sergeant in charge of the clothing store was curt. He couldn't help it: he had run short of tunics, also of "pants"--except three pairs which wouldn't fit me, wouldn't fit anybody, unless we enlisted three very fat dwarfs: he had kept on asking for tunics and pants, and they'd sent him nothing but great-coats and water-bottles: I could take his word for it, he wished he was at the Front, he did, instead of in this blessed hole filling in blessed forms for blessed clothes which never came. Impossible, anyhow, to rig me out. I was going on duty, was I? Then I must go on duty in my "civvies."

Table of contents (by pages)

• 1: Observations of an Orderly by Ward Muir
• 2: Whatever else a ward orderly might be
• 3: My natty grey tweeds were against me
• 4: Mappin eventually lent me her assistance
• 5: Consequently the row of tin huts
• 6: I suppose linoleum is easier to keep clean than wood
• 7: The strata of the said parallelogram
• 8: Other Cushy Jobs less cushy than They Sounded
• 9: When there were no dishes to clean he would clean taps
• 10: Vegetable and duff compartments
• 11: I laid in a stock of sandpaper
• 12: The So and So Club in Pall Mall
• 13: Postcard views of it sell freely to visitors
• 14: Corridor branches out of corridor A Corridor
• 15: Being built of wood and corrugated iron
• 16: Had ever travelled on an escalator before
• 17: A bright idea occurred to Jock
• 18: As the bathroom orderly was nicknamed
• 19: The walking case thankfully finishes his cocoa
• 20: The majority of stretcher cases
• 21: Something about the characteristics of Tommy Atkins
• 22: As practically all the Tommy Atkinses are
• 23: That is not specially Tommy Atkins
• 24: Counterpanes you would think to be obvious enough
• 25: One kind has a pleat in the back
• 26: It might contain what the chit demanded
• 27: If I would count all the pillow cases
• 28: Atkins who walked out with nurse maids
• 29: My small bottle of methylated spirit came to an end
• 30: Until the convoy has been dealt with
• 31: Whatever may be the case elsewhere
• 32: A couple of our most valued departments are the Old Rec
• 33: A nigger troupe visited the hospital
• 34: Magically released by the spectacle of the nigger troupe
• 35: To go through the tunnel into the court
• 36: Presumably regular customers receive teaspoons
• 37: Wotcher chuck my spoon at 'im for
• 38: I have heard Bert shout Mother
• 39: As the lady was herself a coster
• 40: Perhaps he did not understand cockney humour
• 41: And filled an extra mug of tea
• 42: And when things were at their worst the two said naught
• 43: Round the back of the hospital
• 44: Fetching stretchers and blankets
• 45: The Bluebottles were civilians
• 46: A nasty one for the Bluebottles
• 47: A newly arrived convoy of course monopolises the bathroom
• 48: Square dinkum or dinkum is an Antipodean verbal flourish
• 49: Sieda has been brought by the Anzacs from Cairo
• 50: The infectiousness of slang is incredible
• 51: Mister no longer Private Briggs
• 52: Briggs I steered my charge into her vicinity
• 53: It's a rare long ride for thrippence
• 54: Briggs calmly divested himself of his jacket
• 55: MillionaireBy HAROLD ASHTONThe rollicking adventures of Pte