A Pessimist by Frederic Mayer Bird

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A PESSIMIST;

THEORY AND PRACTICE.

ROBERT TIMSOL.

NEW YORK:

JOHN B. ALDEN, PUBLISHER.

1888.

THE PROVIDENT BOOK COMPANY.

CONTENTS.

I. Wisdom in the Woods. 7

II. Worse Yet. 17

III. Complications. 24

IV. A Wilful Princess. 28

V. Consultation. 37

VI. Preparation. 44

VII. Initiation. 47

VIII. Introduction. 52

IX. At Newport. 55

X. On the Cliffs. 58

XI. Explanations. 63

XII. Awakening. 71

XIII. Domestic Criticisms. 75

XIV. Over two Cigars. 79

XV. The Catastrophe. 83

XVI. Feminine Councils. 87

XVII. Consolation. 91

XVIII. Against Earnestness. 99

XIX. Conspiracy. 102

XX. Apology for Lying. 108

XXI. Jane to the Rescue. 118

XXII. An Ordeal. 125

XXIII. Plan of Campaign. 132

XXIV. To Wayback again. 139

XXV. A Wild Brook. 145

XXVI. An Intractable Patient. 149

XXVII. Scenery Improved. 156

XXVIII. Diplomacy. 159

XXIX. Submission. 168

XXX. Wasted Advice. 175

XXXI. Results Reported. 178

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Table of contents (by pages)

1: A Pessimist by Frederic Mayer Bird
2: You were always too clever for me
3: But you never can count on Hartman
4: I suppose you can do that with oil
5: And taking it seriously as a profession
6: And Bumpus stole all his discoveries
7: Not that I am afraid of Hartman
8: Let the nobler motives come in
9: How do all these poor creatures live
10: This wilful waste is selfish wickedness
11: After that I found it best to do as Hartman had said
12: But Clarice has not forgiven me yet
13: I want to get Hartman down here
14: But Hartman had no hand in that
15: When you are operating on Hartman
16: Clarice is not that kind possibly I am not
17: Only preparing her to receive Hartman
18: Clarice took me out on the aforesaid cliffs
19: I should hardly shine as a wall flower
20: The flowret fades when day is done
21: I hope that Hartman will enjoy himself here
22: And expect to bring Hartman back
23: World worn and weary man of woes
24: When I was with Hartman in May
25: Who is this Clarice that your sister mentioned at the table
26: And told her she had better join Clarice and Hartman
27: But it will straighten itself pretty soon now
28: And You talk too much about bosoms
29: And perish the caitiff base who would harbor it
30: After all your humbugging talk last night
31: We are her nearest relatives she is an orphan
32: To Clarice every virtue under heaven
33: Do you call yourself and me spiritual men
34: You are a queer professor of ethics
35: Princess we will take our boots off outside
36: You wait till you take up Hartman
37: Hartman has made a first rate impression here
38: I will leave Hartman to argue it out with you
39: So you call this reconciling me to domestic life
40: I doubt if you appreciate Miss Jane
41: And Hartman had gone off with the Princess
42: Hartman might not get reconciled to domestic life
43: Herbert must be right what has Clarice done to him
44: Clarice can take care of herself
45: Clarice I've been listening all this time
46: ' Clarice will use slang at times
47: Jane says I will never learn it
48: I can soon write a Cyclopaedia
49: He and Clarice are the most superior persons I know
50: But sits and looks wistfully at Cousin Clarice
51: Pipeline was absolutely competent and reliable
52: Or whatever it was that complicates matters
53: Clarice told me to day that you were looking badly
54: That is owing to the difference between the sexes
55: Unless you live in a hermitage like Hartman
56: And no excuse but the lame one of selfish depravity
57: Rather than hurt Clarice now and hereafter
58: Whereas I wanted to draw him out as I did
59: I must try to explain all this to Hartman
60: Yes you used to have enough of that with Clarice
61: Can Hartman have waked her up too
62: When Clarice came to me and said
63: Do you think Mabel and Jane would allow that
64: It is too bad to burden you so
65: How shockingly we have all misjudged you
66: And I am to tell you everything
67: Was that why you were so fond of Clarice
68: If Hartman can prove affinity with you
69: Hartman as in Clarice would he care for us as he does
70: Poor Clarice had little to say
71: If the savage breast is open to ennobling influences
72: Me an' Hartman was gittin on fust rate
73: And he said there was no place to haul it to
74: Suggests that they probably were chubs
75: And leveled against abstractions
76: It was my little ewe lamb all I had
77: I was serious with you just now
78: And apotheosis of clowns and pantomimes
79: I should think you would want to live up to your scenery
80: There is another brook here we ought to try
81: They are apt to attach themselves to poodles
82: For they don't idealize us as we do them
83: And he it's not pleasant to tell he ended by insulting her
84: Bob he bore the penalty of his offence
85: But I paid due attention to the trout and claret
86: Bob I told you she was the right sort
87: 'Nor custom stale her infinite variety
88: I enclosed a brief note to Clarice
89: But I couldn't till Clarice suggested it
90: Clarice has the first right to your news
91: But he'd be awkward about it infernally awkward
92: Clarice does not share your peculiar view of humor
93: Clarice was not at breakfast next day
94: For you to mend or break you hardly mean to break it
95: And sometimes to administer divine forgiveness
96: Did you tell Mabel and Jane of this
97: Other men may overrule other women
98: Jane put forth an interrupting hand
99: It is rarely we get a speech from Clarice on any subject
100: Besides deceiving Mabel and me about this
101: I suppose Clarice likes this kind of thing
102: Or that rural nymph at Wayback
103: I am often a pessimist in the morning
104: Time will check your frivolity