Produced by Charles Keller

A PARODY OUTLINE OF HISTORY

By Donald Ogden Stewart

Wherein may be found a curiously irreverent treatment of AMERICAN HISTORICAL EVENTS Imagining them as they would be narrated by American's most characteristic contemporary authors

To

GILBERT HOLLAND STEWART, Jr.

Preface

Mr. H. G. Wells, in his "Outline of History," was of necessity forced to omit the narration of many of the chief events in the history of these United States. Such omissions I have in this brief volume endeavored to supply. And as American history can possibly best be written by Americans and as we have among us no H. G. Wells, I have imagined an American history as written conjointly by a group of our most characteristic literary figures.

Apologies are due the various authors whose style and, more particularly, whose Weltanschauung I have here attempted to reproduce; thanks are due The Bookman for permission to reprint such of these chapters as appeared in that publication. I give both freely. D. O. S.

Contents

I INTRODUCTION: A Critical Survey of American History In the Manner of William Lyon Phelps

II CRISTOFER COLOMBO: A Comedy of Discovery In the Manner of James Branch Cabell

III MAIN STREET: Plymouth, Mass In the Manner of Sinclair Lewis

IV THE COURTSHIP OF, MILES STANDISH In the Manner of F. Scott Fitzgerald

V THE SPIRIT OF '75: Letters of a Minute Man In the Manner of Ring Lardner

VI THE WHISKY REBELLION In the Bedtime Story Manner of Thornton W. Burgess

VII HOW LOVE CAME TO GENERAL GRANT In the Manner of Harold Bell Wright

VIII CUSTER'S LAST STAND In the Manner of Edith Wharton

IX FOR THE FREEDOM OF THE WORLD: A Drama of the Great War Act I--In the Manner of Mary Raymond Shipman Andrews Act 2--In the Manner of Eugene O'Neill

CHAPTER ONE

INTRODUCTION

A CRITICAL SURVEY OF AMERICAN HISTORY

In the Manner of William Lyon Phelps

On a memorable evening in the year 1904 I witnessed the opening performance of Maude Adams in "Peter Pan". Nothing in the world can describe the tremendous enthusiasm of that night! I shall never forget the moment when Peter came to the front of the stage and asked the audience if we believed in fairies. I am happy to say that I was actually the first to respond. Leaping at once out of my seat, I shouted "Yes--Yes!" To my intense pleasure the whole house almost instantly followed my example, with the exception of one man. This man was sitting directly in front of me. His lack of enthusiasm was to me incredible. I pounded him on the back and shouted, "Great God, man, are you alive! Wake up! Hurrah for the fairies! Hurrah!" Finally he uttered a rather feeble "Hurrah!" Childe Roland to the dark tower came.

That was my first meeting with that admirable statesman Woodrow Wilson, and I am happy to state that from that night we became firm friends. When Mr. Wilson was inaugurated in 1913 I called on him at the White House, taking with me some members of my Yale drama class. Each one of us had an edition of the president's admirable "History of the American People", and I am glad to say that he was kind enough to autograph each of the ten volumes for all of us.

Table of contents (by pages)

• 1: A Parody Outline of History by Stewart
• 2: Harding Browning's Evelyn Hope
• 3: It frightened Colombo a little
• 4: Thus it was that Colombo took leave of Thyrston
• 5: My dear Colombo great expense
• 6: And after an interval Colombo said
• 7: For I am only Colombo whom men call the Dreamer
• 8: The stranger handed Colombo a book
• 9: Cape Cod Bay wet and full of codfish
• 10: Kennicott returning from prayer meeting
• 11: Spread them carefully over the sleeping Kennicott
• 12: And cleverly punctures them one by one with his rapier
• 13: VIAt 3 10 Priscilla drank the Mencken medicine
• 14: Priscilla has now found eternal joy
• 15: Under the name of Carol Kennicott
• 16: To embark with her aunt on the Mayflower
• 17: BREWSTER That must be Priscilla now
• 18: I'll leave Priscilla to entertain you
• 19: Many things I do without effort are worthwhile
• 20: And 4 pence for a cup of coffy
• 21: A Parody Outline of History by Stewart
• 22: It being such a nice night all the stars being out etc
• 23: What hapened to their prize fish up here last mo
• 24: Said Miss Pinkwood with a kindly pat
• 25: Replied Miss Pinkwood laughing merrily
• 26: Said Miss Pinkwood when all had washed their faces and hands
• 27: And with these words Miss Ella Flowers
• 28: As Ella stepped from the carriage
• 29: Cheer after cheer rent the air
• 30: For nearby was an encampment of Union soldiers
• 31: Van der Griff hesitated for an instant
• 32: Will you be so kind as to lead the way with Miss Rhinelander
• 33: There was the rub General Custer
• 34: Why couldn't that stupid waiter hurry
• 35: Representing the opposite sidewalk of the street
• 36: The Professor's Son Well fellows
• 37: The Lieutenant To the Professor's Son Keating
• 38: First Hun Soldier Dropping his gun Kamerad
• 39: The Lieutenant Gotta have another drink can't go sleep
• 40: The landlady takes paper and pencil and writes
• 41: The deef musician ho ho with a piano