Produced by Donald Lainson
A SIMPLETON
By Charles Reade
PREFACE.
It has lately been objected to me, in studiously courteous terms of course, that I borrow from other books, and am a plagiarist. To this I reply that I borrow facts from every accessible source, and am not a plagiarist. The plagiarist is one who borrows from a homogeneous work: for such a man borrows not ideas only, but their treatment. He who borrows only from heterogeneous works is not a plagiarist. All fiction, worth a button, is founded on facts; and it does not matter one straw whether the facts are taken from personal experience, hearsay, or printed books; only those books must not be works of fiction.
Ask your common sense why a man writes better fiction at forty than he can at twenty. It is simply because he has gathered more facts from each of these three sources,--experience, hearsay, print.
To those who have science enough to appreciate the above distinction, I am very willing to admit that in all my tales I use a vast deal of heterogeneous material, which in a life of study I have gathered from men, journals, blue-books, histories, biographies, law reports, etc. And if I could, I would gladly specify all the various printed sources to which I am indebted. But my memory is not equal to such a feat. I can only say that I rarely write a novel without milking about two hundred heterogeneous cows into my pail, and that "A Simpleton" is no exception to my general method; that method is the true method, and the best, and if on that method I do not write prime novels, it is the fault of the man, and not of the method.
I give the following particulars as an illustration of my method:
In "A Simpleton," the whole business of the girl spitting blood, the surgeon ascribing it to the liver, the consultation, the final solution of the mystery, is a matter of personal experience accurately recorded. But the rest of the medical truths, both fact and argument, are all from medical books far too numerous to specify. This includes the strange fluctuations of memory in a man recovering his reason by degrees. The behavior of the doctor's first two patients I had from a surgeon's daughter in Pimlico. The servant-girl and her box; the purple-faced, pig-faced Beak and his justice, are personal experience. The business of house-renting, and the auction-room, is also personal experience.
In the nautical business I had the assistance of two practical seamen: my brother, William Barrington Reade, and Commander Charles Edward Reade, R.N.
In the South African business I gleaned from Mr. Day's recent handbooks; the old handbooks; Galton's "Vacation Tourist;" "Philip Mavor; or, Life among the Caffres;" "Fossor;" "Notes on the Cape of Good Hope," 1821; "Scenes and Occurrences in Albany and Caffre-land," 1827; Bowler's "South African Sketches;" "A Campaign in South Africa," Lucas; "Five Years in Caffre-land," Mrs. Ward; etc., etc., etc. But my principal obligation on this head is to Mr. Boyle, the author of some admirable letters to the Daily telegraph, which he afterwards reprinted in a delightful volume. Mr. Boyle has a painter's eye, and a writer's pen, and if the African scenes in "A Simpleton" please my readers, I hope they will go to the fountain-head, where they will find many more.
Table of contents (by pages)
- 1: A Simpleton by Charles Reade
- 2: There is a French play called La Niaise
- 3: Christopher Staines recaptured them both
- 4: And Christopher Staines came back from her father
- 5: Miss Lusignan rose from her chair
- 6: Rosa had actually forgotten that trait for a single moment
- 7: Wyman was the consulting surgeon of that part
- 8: And Lusignan went at once to his daughter
- 9: And to the organ suspected by Wyman
- 10: Lusignan that the case had no extraordinary feature
- 11: Lusignan was terrified but helpless
- 12: And this was the letter from Christopher Staines
- 13: Lusignan took him first into the study
- 14: Then Christopher Staines drew himself up
- 15: Are you better or worse after each hemorrhage
- 16: And from the few words Miss Lusignan has let fall
- 17: Lusignan hoped Christopher would call again
- 18: He had hit on an argument unscientific enough for anybody
- 19: And I'll find him their prescriptions
- 20: And eaten a pound or two of unwholesome solids
- 21: Lusignan made an answer neither of his hearers expected
- 22: Both her auditors stood aghast
- 23: Lusignan avoided all emotional subjects for the present
- 24: Falcon had run through his fortune
- 25: Rosa Lusignan never passed him
- 26: And were walking slower and slower
- 27: She felt a desire to beg his pardon with deep humility
- 28: And still the dogcart stood there
- 29: And thither Phoebe proceeded with a troubled heart
- 30: And waited about for Reginald Falcon
- 31: Phoebe Dale had not received a letter for some days
- 32: But he soon recovered his cynical egotism
- 33: And the man you have jilted me for
- 34: Having thus muffled Cartwright
- 35: And Cartwright invited him to follow
- 36: He has been fretting for his Simpleton
- 37: Lusignan commented favorably on that
- 38: Lusignan to pay the premiums until the genius of Dr
- 39: Rosa looked sore puzzled again
- 40: And found Rosa beaming in a crisp peignoir
- 41: Christopher smiled good naturedly
- 42: He had found a house in Harewood Square
- 43: It is nothing at all for a Bijou
- 44: Eighty five pounds and no premium
- 45: Or I shall have these blackguards pestering you
- 46: Cole had gone to the auction room
- 47: Her faithful broker looked blank
- 48: Now there are no bargemen left to speak of
- 49: I will never employ a broker again
- 50: Christopher saw she was deeply mortified
- 51: But if they won't give over pestering you
- 52: Should not be at all surprised if it was made by Gillow
- 53: But as you are the only bidder
- 54: Rosa turned gravely towards her
- 55: You insolent insolent I hate you
- 56: The auctioneer stared with amazement at her simplicity
- 57: And the couple took their luggage over to the Bijou
- 58: That his wife was getting duller and duller
- 59: Rosa asked what was the matter
- 60: Rosa had peeped over the stairs
- 61: Collett said he had recommended the patient
- 62: Any excitement is better than always moping
- 63: Lucas begged him to come every morning
- 64: For Lady Cicely was Languor in person her hair whitey brown
- 65: Lady Cicely actually laughed for once in a way
- 66: With her eyes fixed on Staines
- 67: Ceased to look daggers and substituted icicles
- 68: And then Miss Lucas wriggled away
- 69: And flounced with white velvet
- 70: The Lucases rented a box at the opera
- 71: One afternoon Miss Lucas called for Mrs
- 72: Lady Cicely congealed and stiffened
- 73: Staines was soon whirled into Huntingdonshire
- 74: Lady Cicely scanned his countenance searchingly
- 75: She even crowed to Lady Cicely Treherne
- 76: And a painter I'll be for love of Phoebe
- 77: Generally he met a prompt rebuff
- 78: Phoebe smiled an honest country smile
- 79: And handed the money to Phoebe
- 80: His friend was going abroad to Natal
- 81: Now Phoebe was drinking tea with Reginald Falcon
- 82: Then Phoebe was sorry she had said it
- 83: Struck Phoebe Dale stupid with grief
- 84: Made an incision in the windpipe
- 85: Phoebe nursed him like a mother
- 86: Reginald slipped out by the kitchen
- 87: And leave your poor foolish sister behind
- 88: Phoebe was making love to her pseudo penitent
- 89: Reginald was mounted on an English horse
- 90: Rosa did not care so very much for Miss Lucas before
- 91: Madame Cie produced a white muslin polonaise
- 92: Madame Cie then told the ladies
- 93: Vivian is a bag of bones in a balloon
- 94: That Rosa clutched her own convulsively
- 95: Then as to the mania for dress
- 96: As Pearman was taking the horse out of the brougham
- 97: He sent Pearman to hunt for her
- 98: Then the pig faced beak fired up
- 99: The same system partial payments
- 100: Madame Cie always LET HER CUSTOMERS KNOW IT
- 101: A picture of love and tender remorse
- 102: He paid off Pearman on the spot
- 103: And annotto is adulterated with chromates that are poison
- 104: The washerwoman told a dozen families
- 105: And Miss Macnamara said Yes directly
- 106: Your husband drives his brougham out at night
- 107: Lady Cicely gazed on him with wonder
- 108: Staines took the money to Rosa
- 109: Staines and Lord Tadcaster got in
- 110: Fitzroy tore him down into his own cabin
- 111: While Tadcaster was digesting this paradox
- 112: And little Tadcaster began to pour out a tumbler
- 113: Tadcaster was inclined to snivel however
- 114: Little Tadcaster went on board
- 115: These sledges run down the hill with surprising rapidity
- 116: The sail in the Amphitrite was also shortened
- 117: Lord Tadcaster wrote to Lady Cicely Treherne
- 118: That was more the character of this creature's mane
- 119: The quartermaster conveyed this idea to Lord Tadcaster
- 120: The old shark swam slowly round the bait
- 121: The master complained of the chronometers
- 122: And the pendants won't unreeve
- 123: Shouted to the signalman for directions
- 124: While she was crying over this diary
- 125: Rather gently a MISUNDERSTANDING
- 126: The very next week Rosa was at Kent Villa
- 127: When she received a letter from her cousin Tadcaster
- 128: And she went down by train to Gravesend
- 129: Lady Cicely saw he wished her gone
- 130: That care Lusignan takes of his outer cuticle
- 131: Under this hourly terror and this hourly torture
- 132: Philip was surprised into a sigh
- 133: Briscoe had not waited for this
- 134: Philip went down to the kitchen
- 135: It is only a reprieve you can give her and to me
- 136: Philip begged the maids to go near her as little as possible
- 137: I am anxious about Christopher
- 138: Placing his arms round the buoyant circle
- 139: He raised his head and staring eyeballs
- 140: But encumbered with his life buoy
- 141: Still those monstrous lack lustre eyes
- 142: Whether his body's eye saw the grim skeleton
- 143: Captain Dodd found his pocket book
- 144: Dodd took Staines to the hospital
- 145: That the minds of convalescents ought to be amused
- 146: It is the doctor that cut my throat
- 147: Phoebe Falcon looked after him
- 148: Phoebe did not reply point blank to that
- 149: Dick felt the uneasiness of a sane man
- 150: Then the Kafir driver flourished his kambok
- 151: And its appendages wobbled finely
- 152: And Phoebe apologized a little to Christopher
- 153: Christopher said in Dick's ear
- 154: Just as his shambok descended for the hundredth time
- 155: And Ucatella standing by him as ordered
- 156: He ordered Ucatella into the wagon
- 157: There goes Yuke to rouse them up
- 158: Hunting Ucatella by scent alone
- 159: And bade Christie fill the tub
- 160: The brother of the stately Ucatella
- 161: Ucatella would have tried to follow him
- 162: Except his voyage with Captain Dodd that
- 163: You and Collie are wiser than I am
- 164: And Tim effected a somersault and a chuckle
- 165: Phoebe cast a look of pity on him
- 166: And I would not guarantee your dyke twelve hours
- 167: I am confident that I shall find the volcanic matrix
- 168: You can WALK to the Vaal river
- 169: But the partitioned bedsteads charmed Phoebe
- 170: The Kafir cabins they entered were caves
- 171: There ARE no lions it is not the Zoo
- 172: Staines asked what it was the vrow told him locusts
- 173: Staines and Falcon shouted with delight
- 174: And poor Bulteel stood smoking
- 175: Falcon can leave her farm Oh
- 176: Falcon in twenty days at farthest
- 177: Crusty people are the soul of honor
- 178: Lord Tadcaster was so interested and charmed
- 179: This invitation delighted Lord Tadcaster
- 180: You will quall over that poor child
- 181: Tadcaster went down to Gravesend
- 182: And fire four tousand pistole at de four tousand dawgs
- 183: The Hottentot was one employed at Dale's Kloof
- 184: The Hottentot quietly assented
- 185: The Hottentot slept like a stone
- 186: If I kill that eland from here
- 187: It was with this barrel he had shot the murcat overnight
- 188: Then the lion began tearing away at the eland
- 189: And snarling of the hyenas and jackals over the eland
- 190: The Hottentot uttered a cry of admiration
- 191: And skin were made over to Squat
- 192: And hundreds of locusts flew over his head
- 193: Next morning he saw Dale's Kloof in the distance
- 194: And we had found six large diamonds
- 195: He kept hoping Falcon would return
- 196: I almost never have my tomach tiff
- 197: Falcon will wrong me of a shilling
- 198: Falcon making her inquiries independently
- 199: Though the fault lay entirely with Falcon
- 200: Falcon the option of going back with him
- 201: Staines Rosa you will marry again
- 202: Rosa sewed on all this time in demure and absolute silence
- 203: And made Rosa his residuary legatee
- 204: And will sudawem and the west put me in better spiwits
- 205: But the letter to Phoebe miscarried
- 206: Said Falcon with a bitter sneer
- 207: Rosa wrote to Falcon DEAR SIR
- 208: And the pure egotist alone remained
- 209: So much for a whiskied egotist
- 210: Then that craven heart began to quake at what he was doing
- 211: Said Rosa carelessly then earnestly
- 212: Falcon rose to call for assistance
- 213: There he found the nursemaid Emily
- 214: He showed Rosa and her father the diamonds
- 215: A hundred only are diamondiferous
- 216: Having declined to run unless his friend's zebra was muzzled
- 217: And Rosa pitied him more and more
- 218: He placarded Gravesend with bills
- 219: And had produced one of his advertisements
- 220: Staines had promised to marry him
- 221: Or I'll get up and forbid the banns
- 222: Finding that Falcon was not smoking
- 223: Staines to go down to Gravesend
- 224: Presently Falcon went off to join Rosa
- 225: Rosa watched her father's retiring figure out of sight
- 226: Phoebe clutched Staines by the arm
- 227: And then to find the banns cried in open church
- 228: Christopher read the forged letter
- 229: Staines directed Phoebe Falcon how to treat her husband
- 230: Who were all simpletons here on earth
